How Pneumonia Changed My Life
I was a youthful, vibrant twenty-five year old. I worked in retail full-time and was working a part-time retail job on the side. Somehow, after 70 or so work-related hours a week, I still managed to find time to hang out with friends and family. I still went out for dinner, met for coffee, drove an hour to the beach frequently, and spent a (tiny) bit of time writing. So, when I got sick, I thought it was a cold because I had been pushing myself to the limit and it caught up with me, (not to mention my lack of sleep leading up to this). I would have never thought I had a major illness, much less an illness that would affect me for the rest of my life.
I want to interrupt this story to clarify what pneumonia is, it is an infection that causes the air sacs in one or both lungs to fill with fluid or pus. In my case, it was my left lung. I had 18% non-functioning lung at the height of my sickness. It causes you to cough with phlegm, feel exhausted and have difficulty breathing.
As I mentioned, I was doing quite a few things before I became sick. Even when I first caught the bug, I was trying to go to work. I took two days off and then I went back. My manager had left the store in my care while she went to help with a new store opening and I was intent on being in the store and fulfilling my role. But I was also stressed on a regular basis over the most ridiculous things: associates calling off last minute, hitting sales goals, making sure the store looked good, floor set, meal/rest breaks, and the everyday troubleshooting. I went back to work and a couple hours into my shift, I knew I was not okay. I had vomiting and diarrhea and decided I couldn’t remain at work. After my closing manager came into work, I left intending to go to Urgent Care. However, I couldn’t stay awake while I was driving. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. So I decided to go home.
I slept for several hours and then had a friend take me to Urgent Care later that evening. The doctor knew what was wrong with me right away. He had a chest xray done and sure enough, he found the pneumonia. Luckily, he felt I could possibly be treated as an outpatient, so I didn’t have to be admitted to the hospital. But in the end, it still took about a week for me to be able to fully function. The first couple days of the illness walking the twenty steps to the bathroom was laborious. I lost about 25 lbs. over almost two weeks. I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t doing anything more than laying around and sleeping, but my heart was working very hard because I wasn’t breathing well. The graph, above, from my Fitbit shows how my resting heart rate spiked to 80 BPM at the height of the illness.
The resting HR “can also be referred to as “pulse…” and it’s a measurement that indicates how efficiently your heart is working (fitbit.com).” Average individuals will see a RHR between 60–100 BPM. Prior to this illness, I was between 56–62 consistently. Since, even after cardio conditioning, I sit between 60–66. This may not seem like much of a difference, but keep in mind I lost 25 lbs. My heart should be in better shape! In addition, pneumonia has left me with difficulty breathing. And when I am doing something strenuous, I am winded much quicker and I experience coughing fits as a result. I still hold onto the inhaler I was given when I had pneumonia and use it occasionally when I feel the grasp of an invisible hand clench around my throat, choking my breath. It is a feeling you will never forget.
Aside from the physical changes I have seen, the illness also caused a drastic shift in my mindset. I wouldn’t say I was unhappy prior to being sick, but I certainly had a great deal of dissatisfaction with my circumstances. I wasn’t the type to slow down for anything. I was charging full steam ahead convinced I was somehow further behind than I should have been, not accomplishing enough, or the right thing, not making enough money or handling my debt well enough… so many things I was convinced I was failing at. Even when the doctor told me I couldn’t go to work, (in fact, threatened that if I did he would admit me to the hospital), I still thought I would be fine and could go to work. In fact, if I had been capable of getting out of bed without nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I might have!
Being forced to stay home and not being able to do anything really gave me time to think about things, but I didn’t really think about anything — and that is probably the most interesting part of this. In the time I was sick, I rested, working on my writing, my resume, and read several books. When I was okay enough to go back to work, I found out that I didn’t actually have the sick time available to cover almost two weeks of being out. A couple weeks later, I also found out my insurance didn’t cover much of my treatment. I was suddenly not only behind on bills, but now I had medical bills on top of it that I couldn’t hope to tackle.
And this is when it happened. The change. I suddenly stopped caring about what I didn’t have and realized I was happy. Hell, I was alive! I kept telling myself having pneumonia wasn’t a big deal. It is relatively common. Nobody dies! Except, people do die. People die. I can die. At any time. I realized that death can occur at any time and to any one. SOmething I had known, but I hadn’t had to face. Any classmates that died in school, I didn’t know them. Family who died? They were of a mature age. While I had lived with death and experienced loss, I didn’t really ever think about my imminent death and what I wanted to leave behind, how I wanted people to remember me.
Since recovering, several things have changed in my life. I switched jobs, I am writing much more, I alleviated myself of some toxic relationships and I realized how beautiful it can be to love — even if that love isn’t returned. I try and put more effort into my relationships with others, spend time doing things I have always wanted to do, (like baking!), and I am hitting the online dating scene hard. I am 26 and I want to live a full and complete life. I want to experience more relationships, more challenges and joys, understand more people and gain more knowledge about topics that interest me. In short, I want to live life. And in order to do that, I have to let go of what I can’t control… and I am finally learning to do that.
